Loving the Mockingjay
by kaiteecat
Summary: Peeta has been captured by the Capitol and now can only be sure of one thing: He loves Katniss Everdeen. But when the Capitol makes him begin to doubt that what else can the boy with the bread cling to? This is Mockingjay through Peeta's POV. Please R
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games. But please enjoy the story anyway :)

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Sunlight streams through the window of my old rooms at the training center. I was taken here after the arena of my second game was destroyed by the rebels so they could rescue us. Well rescue Katniss really, they kinda left me lying on the ground to be pulled up by the Capitol hovercars. Not that anything has happened to me in the past week since the disastrous end to the games. I was rushed to the hospital and when I was better they stuck me in this room and no one has bothered me since.

I watch the clouds go by in the sky mostly because I have nothing better to do. While it's ridiculous, I am really, really bored. I know I should be afraid of what President Snow will eventually do to me or be angry that the rebels didn't rescue me but after five days of nothing I can only bring myself to be bored.

I have been building giant card houses with the decks of cards I found in the back of a drawer. The one that is on my table is my biggest yet. The only other person I've seen is the Avox girl, Lavinia. She brings my food and then she leaves.

I wonder when this will end, this peace, this boredom. It's obvious to everyone that Katniss and I knew nothing about the rebels or District 13 or anything. I had suspected but I knew nothing for sure. I think that's why I am not being tortured now, because there is nothing from me to find out.

I wonder how Katniss is. In all the chaos of the rebel's rescue I lost her. I hope she is fine and not too injured. I only had a few cuts from Enobaria and Brutus but Katniss was a lot closer to the explosion, since she started it.

I sigh. Katniss is always starting something. She just can't help it I think, it's her nature to start trouble. I'm sure the rebels will do everything they can to help her since she is their Mockingjay, but I can't help worrying.

While I'm sitting and staring out the window, watching the coming sunset, I hear the door opening behind me. I turn around. Standing in the doorway is a woman dressed in a white lab coat. Behind her is Lavinia, looking very scared.

"Hello Peeta," she says pleasantly, "May I come in?" Before I can answer the woman comes and sits in the chair next to me by the window.

She is terrifying. Her face is thin and wolf-like and her eyes are bottomless black pits. I resist the urge to flee from her predator persona.

"Hello Peeta," she says again, smiling at me, revealing fangs for teeth. I try not to flinch.

"I'm Dr. West. I work for President Snow." She explains, "I am here to deliver a request for the President." Dr. West says charmingly.

This is when I start to panic. Any "request" from President Snow can't be good.

"Okay, what is it?" I ask, trying to remain calm.

Dr. West smiles again. "He would like, if you feel up to it, for you to do an interview with Caesar Flickerman."

"Oh, and what would this interview be about?" I ask, though I have a pretty good idea.

"Just about the quarter quell and your thoughts on it," Dr. West say casually.

"That's it?" I say unbelievingly. Snow has something else in mind and this woman is toying with me, drawing out this little meeting. Every minute that passes I am getting more and more freaked out by her presence. Everything about her screams danger and she knows it.

"Well no," Dr. West replies, "Actually I am here to make a deal with you."

"A deal?" I say doubtfully.

"More of an order," she concedes, "You go and do the interview and on air for everyone to hear call for a cease-fire."

A cease-fire. If I were to do that the rebels wouldn't stand a chance. I know what sort of influence I can have over people. If there is a cease-fire the rebels would lose and the Capitol would win. The districts would go one being treated like before or worse and the Hunger Games would continue. That can't happen. The rebels must win this war.

"No, I won't do it," I say firmly, looking at Dr. West. She smiles happily.

"Then I guess there is no reason for you to be here, languishing in this relative comfort," she laughs and continues, "I told Snow you would say no, but he seems to think you might do it."

"Well he is wrong. I would never do that," as I say it I spy Lavinia out of the corner of my eye, still standing by the door, discreetly shaking her head at me, terror in her eyes.

I look away from her and watch Dr. West stand up to leave. "I think you would do for Katniss." She replies as she walks to the door.

"I will be back in the morning and you can give me your final answer then," she says and then she is gone with Lavinia behind her.

Dr. West is right. I would do anything for Katniss and I have proven that over and over again. But would I go against the rebels for her? The districts only hope of freedom? The answer is yes, I would. I have to anything possible to save her. This was a promise I made to myself when I went into the first Hunger Games, then again during the second. I love her more than anything.

But if I do call for the cease-fire can I believe any promise that Snow makes to me though? He hates her as much as I love her. He would love to kill her. So no, I can't believe any promise that keeps Katniss safe. But I can't just do nothing. This is going to be a long night and meeting Dr. West unnerved me. The woman is terrifying and very obviously evil. Lavinia seemed scared to death of her as well.

I don't sleep tonight. Not like I would sleep anyway with the nightmares but I don't even try. I pace back and forth in my room trying to decide whether and not to call for the cease-fire. If I do the rebels are doomed and Katniss _may_ not be. If I don't the rebels will continue on and Katniss and I will be doomed to certain painful death.

By the time the sun begins to rise I have made my decision. I wait impatiently for Dr. West to return.

"I'll do it," I say the moment she walks in the door, not bothering with false pleasantries.

"Good," Dr. West says, "I knew you would see reason. Well I had better go get your prep team, you're going to need it, it looks like you didn't sleep at all last night." She says wickedly as she turns to leave.

"But if I do this, if I call for the cease-fire, Katniss lives," I tell her. She turns back around to look at me.

"Katniss lives," I repeat, "When this is all over Katniss and I get to go home to District 12."

"They didn't tell you?" she says, looking utterly pleased with what she is about to say.

"Peeta, District 12 is gone, along with everyone in it." And with that she leaves the room.


	2. Chapter 2

I am numb as my prep team comes in a few minutes after Dr. West leaves. I don't even notice them as they start to "beautify" me.

District 12 is gone. My family, my friends, everyone I ever knew, is dead. I can't even process it.

Why, I think, why would Snow do this?

But I know why. Snow and the Capitol are evil and cruel and the murder of the innocent is nothing to them. They have proven this over and over with the Hunger Games. Suddenly I am furious. This has to stop. Now. There can't be a cease-fire. The rebels must end this. Snow must die.

I am about to call off the stupid interview, but I'm reminded that this might possibly save Katniss and myself. I can't risk her safety. But how much damage will I do to the rebel cause if I do call for the cease-fire. I can only hope that no one will listen to me.

Despair fills me. There is no winning. Even if I refuse the interview now, Dr. West certainly has a way to persuade me to do it. If I don't do it willingly there is no hope to save Katniss, but if I do the rebels will suffer.

I am so consumed by my thoughts that I don't notice that Portia has come into the room. I look at her and I break. The tears begin to fall silently down my face.

"Oh, Peeta," she sighs and rushes over to me, "I'm so sorry about District 12."

"When did it happen?" I ask, my voice thick with tears. Portia shoos the rest of my prep team out.

"Just after the end of the games," she replies, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. I nod. I figured as much but I just had to know for sure.

Portia goes to sit at the table and motions for me to join her. When I walk over to her I'm struck by how disheveled she looks. She is usually well dressed and neat looking, but now she has bags under her eyes and she is wearing all black. Surely she isn't this upset by District 12. While she is one of the nicest people I know I don't think this is why she is grief-stricken.

"What's wrong, Portia?" I ask, as I sit down next to her.

"Cinna is dead." She says and then begins cry as well.

So for the next half hour we take turns comforting each other. She tells me how Cinna died and about what has been happening in the Capitol since the end of the games. Finally we dry it up and Portia gets me ready for the interview.

When I get to where the interview takes place the first thing I notice is that there is no live audience. The only people watching are the camera crew and Dr. West. So the interview is going to be recorded and played to the audience when Snow feels it necessary. Also I bet it's being recorded so that they can edit out whatever I say that they don't like.

Dr. West stalks over to me. Again, I try not to cringe away from her. She is wearing all black today, but instead of making her look sad like it did Portia, it just made her look ominous.

"Well Peeta, I think we need to go over a few last minute details," she says.

"Okay," I reply, though I think I know what she is about to tell me.

"First of all, no funny business. As you can see there is no one watching this so I can stop it at any time." She looks at me.

"Got it, no funny business," I say.

"Secondly, the entire point of this is for you to call the cease-fire," Dr. West continues, ignoring my sarcasm. "If you fail to do so I will make you do this all over again. And trust me you won't like it if I have to make you do this again. Understand."

I nod. I have no doubt she will punish me for messing this up.

"Okay then," she says brightly, flashing her fangs at me, "let's get started."

Caesar Flickerman walks into the room at that point and goes sit down. The camera crew positions me in my spot across from him and the interview begins.

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AN: Yes, it's a short chapter but the next one starts into Peeta's torture and subsequent insanity. So enjoy normal Peeta while you can and please review this chapter. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

After the interview is over, guards lead me to a car to go back to the training center. As the car slowly goes down through the Capitol I notice that we aren't heading back to the training center. Instead the car is heading to the outskirts of the city, towards a plain, grey building that is surrounded by a high barbed-wired fence. A million thoughts go through my head, the foremost that I'm being brought to the building to be tortured. My imagination goes wild as I think of all the different tortures I have ever heard about. I force myself to remain calm as the car gets closer and closer to the main entrance.

After the car goes through the gate in front of the building it stops before the doors. One of the guards outside opens the door and gestures for me to get out. As I do the guard reaches behind me and I feel a sharp prick on my neck. Everything goes black.

When I wake up I am strapped to a chair in a white room. In front of me is a blank TV screen. As I look around a door to my left opens and in walks Dr. West wearing a white lab coat followed by two other men also in white lab coats.

"Hello, Peeta," Dr. West begins, like she did when I met her yesterday.

"Where am I?" I ask mostly to stall for time. My heart is pounding with fear. I don't know anything about the rebels and Dr. West knows it. Though it doesn't seem like that's going to stop her.

"You're at a research facility," she says with a smirk, "Oh, don't look scared Peeta, you're not here to be tortured."

"I'm not?" I say, startled, "Then why am I here? Tied up?" I look pointedly down where my wrists are strapped to the chair arms.

"Just a precautionary measure," Dr. West says in an attempt to sound soothing.

"You're here," she continues, "So that I can show you the truth."

"The truth?" I repeat blankly.

"Yes," she affirms, "You see, you and so many others have been led to believe that Katniss Everdeen is a great and wonderful person. I want to help disillusion you."

Disillusion me? This is so far from what I expected that I can only stare at Dr. West in confusion. How could she possibly think that anything she says will make me think Katniss is an awful person? Obviously Dr. West is delusional.

"You don't believe me," she states, "Well I expected that."

"You seriously think that I'm going to believe anything you say to me about Katniss?" I ask in disbelief.

"Peeta, here at the Capitol we only look after the well-being of those who live in the districts," Dr. West says with so much conviction I think she actually believes it.

Though it's a bad idea I can't help but laugh. "And what about the Hunger Games? Are they a part of how you 'look after the well-being of the districts'?" I say sarcastically.

"The Hunger Games are a necessary evil," Dr. West says, "If you had grown up in the Capitol you would understand that."

"If I had grown up in the Capitol I would have grown up brainwashed." I foolishly argue back.

Dr. West just smiles, like I just made a great joke. "Peeta, we could argue all day about this, but I think it would be better if I just show you."

"Show me what?" I ask. This entire conversation has been way too confusing for me to follow.

"Katniss," Dr. West says, "I'm going to show you her in a way that makes you believe me when I say she is a terrible person." She gestures toward the TV screen.

"Well, you're in for a long wait, because that is never going to happen," I say.

"We'll see," she replies, "Let's begin." She addresses the other two men in the room for the first time. One of them walks behind me and I hear the clatter of objects on a table. He reappears in front of me, holding a syringe full of a silvery liquid. He hands it to Dr. West who goes to inject it in my arm.

"What is that? What's going on?" I futilely struggle against the straps that hold me.

"Just something to help you." She stabs the needle into my arm. "Now watch the screen," she commands.

Fire fills my veins as the screen comes to life. On it I see a scene from my first Hunger games. Its Rue, Katniss' ally in the games, trapped in a net. It's Rue, tiny, innocent Rue, about to die. I try to look away from the awful scene that is about to take place on the screen. Everything in the room looks wrong, surreal. My head is reeling from whatever Dr. West just injected me with. One of the men comes up behind me and forces my head to face the screen.

As I watch, Katniss and the boy from District 1, Marvel, enter the clearing. What's supposed to happen next is that Marvel kills Rue and then Katniss kills him. Except to my crazed brain, Katniss raises her bow and kills Marvel. And then, to my disbelieving eyes, she turns and stabs Rue.

I think I cry out. I know I struggle against the hands that hold my head. That's not what happened. That scene was a sick joke of Dr. West. Why would she do that? I can't think. I can't focus. Everything is spinning and flashing. Then the scene begins to play again. And again. And again. I lose track of how many times I watch it. How many times I watch Katniss gleefully stab Rue.

Finally everything begins to feel normal again, like whatever I was injected with is losing effect. I'm dimly aware of Dr. West ordering the men to take me to a cell. I feel sick. I can barely walk and the men practically drag me down empty, pristine white halls. The building is eerily quiet. The men turn me down one hall that is lined with doors with windows in them. As we past the first two doors a blood-curdling scream erupts from the silence. The scream is filled with agony and torment and it is coming from behind on of the doors ahead of me. The men on either side of my slow down, as though to draw out this moment. As the scream fades another starts, this one coming from a little farther down. Perversely as we pass the door where the first scream came from I look through the window into the room.

In the room I see Johanna Mason, strapped to a chair like I was, surrounded by people in lab coats. In the next room I see Lavinia, the avox girl. And in the room after I see Darius, the old peacekeeper in District 12 that was turned into an avox.

Finally the men open the door in the middle of the hall and shove me in. The room is the same white as the hall and has a toilet and sink in one corner and a bed in the other. I lay down in the bed as the screaming starts again. I curl into a ball and cover my ears, though it does little to block the sounds. This is too much for me. I know that Lavinia and Darius are here for my benefit only. Johanna probably actually knows something about the rebels which is why they are torturing her.

After what seems like hours the screams finally die down to faint whimpers. I slowly stretch out on the bed, stiff from lying in a ball for several hours. My face is wet and I realize that I had been silently crying this entire time. I think back to earlier when Dr. West drugged me and made me watch that awful scene of Katniss brutally murdering Rue. I know that's not what happened but I can't seem to remember what actually took place. I panic as I struggle to remember the truth. Was it the boy from District 1 that killed Rue? Or someone else? It can't have been Katniss because she loved Rue, right? Why can't I remember? I struggle for a few more minutes but finally give up. I can't remember what actually happened but I know Katniss would have never murdered Rue.

This is all Dr. West's doing. No, she isn't torturing me physically. But this is much, much worse.

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AN: Thanks to DiedLaughing and LovePeeta for your reviews. And to XXDaughteroftheKingXX and TheIridescentDreamer for adding the story to your faves. And to everyone else: Please review! I would love to know what you think of this so far!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone! Sorry it took so long to update, but I've been very busy. Since its summer though I will have oodles of free time to write (or type really)! So without any more ado, enjoy. **

**P.S. Please review when you're done. Pretty please?**

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My sanity is slowly leaving me. I can feel it slipping away and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Every day Dr. West replaces my true memories of Katniss with visions of Katniss as a monster. I try to sort out what's true, but it's hard. I have always known that Katniss was dangerous. She has proven that in both of our Hunger Games. Somehow I always just looked away from that part of her. Now it's all I can think about. She must have other, good, qualities that made me fall in love with her. I still love her, I guess, I just can't remember why.

"Then maybe you should stop loving her," the voice in my head tells me. That's another thing. A few days ago this voice started up in my head, a testament to my growing insanity.

"You don't just stop loving a person. That's not how love works," I argue back.

"But you don't even know _why_ you love her," the voice responds, "and why would you? She seems like an awful person."

"She is not awful. She is..." I stop, unable to think of an argument for why Katniss is a good person. That's when I notice that the guards are looking at me funny. Then I realize I was speaking to the voice aloud. Great, I'm having arguments with voices in my head for everyone to hear.

I look around the room, trying to block the voice from starting up again. I'm in the white room again, waiting for Dr. West to arrive. She is running late, which is not like her at all. The past few weeks she has always been prompt and kept me to a strict schedule.

Every day I come into this room for a few hours, and then I go to a different white room where I watch Lavinia and Darius being tortured. Well, just Darius now. Lavinia died yesterday. I can't bring myself to feel sad about it though. I'm almost glad she died, so quick that she can't have felt too much pain. At least she is no longer suffering because of me and the stupid choices I've made.

Choices that I made out of love for Katniss. I've lied for Katniss, killed for Katniss. I've done terrible things for a girl who doesn't even love me back.

"Which doesn't make much sense," the voice chimes in, "Why do all that for her only to get nothing in return? She doesn't even seem to appreciate it. In fact, I think she hates you."

"Shut-up." I tell the voice, only to get more weird looks from the guards. But I'm too busy contemplating this new thought to care. What if Katniss does hate me? She only pretended to love me for the cameras, to save her self during the Hunger games. If that had not worked would she have killed me?

Before I can delve too deeply into this revelation Dr. West arrives looking hurried and stressed. Today she doesn't go into her preamble of "Hello Peeta" "How are you?" "Do you still feel the same about Katniss?" Instead she just injects with the silvery liquid and everything goes shiny.

When I wake up I look around to see I am in a white room, strapped to a chair. Behind me I can hear voices. One of them is female and sounds familiar and I'm immediately frightened by it.

"I upped his dose today, but I think he will be fine," the scary voice says.  
"Doctor, are you sure that's a good idea? Too much of the venom can do permanent and irreversible damage to his brain." The second voice sounds like a man to me. Both of them are speaking in whispers.

"They think you are asleep," says a new voice, one that I think I'm hearing in my mind. "Pretend to be asleep still," the voice commands. I comply and quickly shut my eyes, listening intently to the people behind me.

"…and if it takes any longer Snow is going to pull the plug on this." The scary voice says.

"Maybe we should stop, Doctor. It's been a month already and he still shows no sign the hijacking is working," the second voice continues. I realize that they are talking about me. Suddenly I remember some of what's going on. The woman behind me is Dr. West, who is my captor. She and the other man must be talking about the silver liquid Dr. West injects in me, the venom. The venom is supposed to be doing something to me, I just don't remember what.

Dr. West starts speaking again, "I think he will be fine if we continue at this dosage level. If only I knew what hold she has on Peeta to make him so loyal to her." Dr. West says musingly.

"Maybe he really does love her," the man offers.

"There is no such thing as love," Dr. West says scornfully, "Not the real kind, at least not in this world."

The man says something else, but I am no longer listening. Who was this girl that they said I loved?

"Well maybe today we might have a break-through. Anyway, he is awake," Dr. West says, walking around the chair to face me.

"So, Peeta, how are you feeling?" Dr. West says, examining me closely. I hate her. I really, really hate her.

"Actually I can't seem to remember how I'm supposed to feel, but I think that's your fault," I tell her sarcastically.

"Don't worry, it will come to you," Dr. West smiles, "Now the real question is; How do you feel about Katniss?"

Katniss. Hearing her naming makes my head hurt. All the confusion comes back. Why do I love her? Why should I love her? Is she really evil? I don't know what to believe anymore.

"Ah, I can see the answer for myself," Dr. West says, almost cheerfully.

"Well there we go, Dr. Mayfield," she says to the man, "All our hard work seems to be paying off."

"Take him to the other room," She barks at the guards.

The guards untie and begin walking me down the depressingly familiar hall towards the torture room. Once there I am forced to endure the sight of guards beating Darius with a perverted pleasure. They will ask him a stupid question and when he doesn't answer because he can't the guards hit and kick him. A few days ago they started cutting off his fingers, laughing while they did. Today Darius only has two fingers on his left hand.

I try to block it out. Numb myself to his suffering. I can't because I know that somehow this is my fault. I know that I am the reason for Darius' pain. The torture goes on for a little while longer, the whole time Darius makes these horrible sounds because he can't scream. Usually I feel hopeless watching it, but today I am angry. Angry at myself for not being able to stop this. Angry at Snow. Angry at the Capitol. I'm even angry at Darius for being so helpless. Then suddenly I'm angry at Katniss. This is all her fault. I don't know how it is but everything is her fault. It's her fault I'm here watching an innocent man slowly being tortured to death. It's her fault I'm going insane. I start laughing, a high, insane laugh, because I am now blaming the girl I once thought was blameless for everything and that strikes me as funny. I keep laughing as the guards drag me down the hall and into my room. I can't stop even as one of the guards kicks me hard in the ribs. I laugh for so long that someone comes in and jabs me with a needle, making me sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ahem, I would like to take a moment before you all start reading this chapter to point out a few facts. Fact 1: I'm a writer. Fact 2: Like all writers, I love reviews, good or bad(preferably good though). So you better review or…or…or I'll…or I will do something inconceivably evil!**

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When I wake up my cell is still dark. The lights only come on at certain time each morning, so I usually send most of the night in the dark with my nightmares. Before I had always had nightmares of losing Katniss, now they are of her killing me.

I sit up, shaking off this night's terrors. I futile try to go back to sleep, even if it means more terror. Lying awake in the dark cell has become even worse than the nightmares. I have too much time to think. Too much time to panic over everything I am losing. I can't remember a lot of things. It's all slipping away from me. I can't remember my father's gentle voice, my mother's face, the smell of the bakery. It's all going. But for every memory I lose another one of Katniss as an evil monster replaces it. I'm finding it harder and harder to deny that Katniss is evil.

"Then why continue to deny it?" Great. The voice is back.

"Because it has to be wrong." I respond, "And besides I haven't always thought this way about Katniss."

I use to think she was…well not perfect, but a good person. I loved, still love, her. Surely I had a reason to. Something she did maybe, or something she said to me.

"Maybe she tricked you into falling in love with her. Maybe she made you believe she was a good person. She _did_ pretend to love you to save her own skin." The voice says.

Ugh, the voice makes such good arguments.

"This is all Dr. West's fault. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be so confused." I get up and begin to pace agitatedly.

"If it weren't for Dr. West you would still be following Katniss like a lost puppy, blind to all her faults." The voice says, harshly.

But why would Dr. West take all this effort just to reveal what a bad person Katniss is to me? Before I or the voice can answer the light in flicks on and the door opens. A guard walks in followed be another man, who I vaguely recognize.

"Hi Peeta, do you know who I am?" he asks, looking down at me over his glasses.

"Um, maybe?" I say, hesitantly, unsure of whether or not I should be freaking out.

"I'm Dr. Mayfield. I work with Dr. West?" he says questioningly, examining me closely.

And then it clicks. He is the man who was arguing with Dr. West yesterday about…my, um…What were they arguing about?

"They were fighting about you," the voice chimes in.

"Oh what about me?" I ask the voice, surrendering to my insanity.

"It's not important," the voice tells me reassuringly.

"Um, Peeta? Are you okay?" Dr. Mayfield is looking at me strangely.

Oh crap, was I talking to the voice aloud again?

"I'm okay," I say quickly, "Um, why are you here?" This not how things are done. I'm usually given breakfast, and then hauled out of my cell, strapped to a chair, tortured and then brought back here. Dr. Mayfield has never spoken to me before.

"Actually I have a favor to ask of you," Dr. Mayfield says, watching warily for my reaction.

"What kind of favor?" I ask just as wary. My entire body is tense, like I'm expected Dr. Mayfield to reach out and hit me or something. I'm trying to relax when he asks, "Do you still feel the same about Katniss?" I cringe back from him as if he _had _hit me. The question caught me completely off-guard and I'm not sure why.

"What I mean is; do you still love Katniss?" Dr. Mayfield asks when I don't respond. Do I? I think back on all my long hour of contemplating the question and find the answer.

"Yes," I whisper, so softly that Dr. Mayfield has to lean close to hear me, "Yes, I still love her."

"Fool." The voice says condescendingly. I wince. I am a fool. I have no reason to love her and yet I still do. I look up Dr. Mayfield to study his reaction to my words. Oddly it looks like he expected my answer.

"Well my favor has to do with Katniss," he says, "I would like for you to do another interview, like you did a few weeks ago."

I try to think back to that time. I can't really remember the interview, but I do remember that I did it to intentionally hurt the rebel's chances of winning. Which now that I think of it, it was pretty stupid, since the rebels are my only hope of freedom.

"And why would I help you with another interview?" I ask Dr. Mayfield.

"Because if you don't Dr. West will personally ensure that you and Katniss spend the rest of your short lives in pain." He said it calming, looking at me straight in the eye the entire time. I believed him.

"Fine, I'll do whatever," I whisper, defeat washing over me.

"There's a good boy," the voice says cheerfully. I don't even want to imagine what that could mean.

"Excellent," Dr. Mayfield gets up and tells something to the guard, who walks over and grabs me tightly by the arm. I don't fight or resist in any way. What's the point? Everywhere I turn, I'm losing.

In a matter of minutes I'm on the set getting ready to do the interview. Except Portia isn't here and neither is my prep team. Instead a woman I don't know is carefully applying my make-up.

"Where is Portia?" I ask her.

She doesn't reply but anxiously looks over at Dr. Mayfield, who is still with me, and then back at me. Her eyes look sad. Oh, I guess know. Pain grips my heart and I feel like I'm about to crumble to a million tiny pieces. But I can't lose control just yet. I have to be strong…for whom? Katniss? For the rebels? For Portia. Portia would have wanted me to be strong. She would have looked at me with that sweet smile and told me I could this. Like she did all those months ago before my first interview for the Hunger Games, when I was scared stiff at the thought that, for the first time, I was about to tell the world how I felt about Katniss Everdeen. That feels like a lifetime ago. I am not the same person I was on that stage, mumbling to Caesar Flickerman that the girl I liked was right there with me. That person was just a boy who didn't even know what love was. And yet here I am again, about to sit down and basically do the exact same thing I did a year ago: Try to protect Katniss. So in the end have I learned anything? Maybe not what love is, but I definitely know what love is not. And what Katniss feels for me is not love.

_Then why am I doing this?_ I ask myself.

"Because you have no choice," the voice answers. Again, defeat floods me. The woman applying my make-up shoots me a sympathetic look, then pronounces me ready for the cameras.

Things proceed quickly and soon I am sitting across from Caesar Flickerman with cameras rolling. He starts out with a few questions and we talk about thing I really could care less about. I look down at my hands and notice they are shaking. I clench them tightly. Then Caesar asks me about the rumors that Katniss is taping propos for the districts. Off the set one of the crewmen is feeding me lines. Obviously they don't trust me to speak for myself, which I don't blame them since I spent most of the morning conversing with an imaginary voice in my head.

"They are using her, obviously," I answer mechanically, keeping to the script, "To whip up the rebels. I doubt she even really knows what's going on in the war. What's at stake." Which are all lies. Katniss never lets anyone use her. And she definitely knows what's at stake.

"Is there anything you would like to tell her?" Caesar asks, getting ready to wrap up the interview.

"There is," I say. What can I tell this girl, who is probably watching me right now. I barely know her and what I do know about her I can't tell if its lies or not. I don't hate her, but I do fear her. I shouldn't love her but I do anyway. I think back to what I just said about the rebels using her, like Dr. Mayfield is using me right now and suddenly I know what to say. I ignore the prompt and look directly into the camera, imagining I was staring directly into her beautiful grey eyes.

"Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you know what's going on? And if you don't…find out." Like I need to. I need to find out why my view of Katniss is turning so warped. I need to find out what's happening to me, before it's too late…

Dr. Mayfield says nothing about my interview as he and two guards escort me to…wherever. I am beyond caring about what happens to me now. Or so I thought. I'm dragged into the torture chamber and see a very pissed off Dr. West, glaring at me from across room. The guards strain against me as I resist going any closer to whirlwind of fury blowing off of her. The guards shove roughly shove me into the chair and strap me down. Every part of me is screaming to run, to flee before Dr. West could take a step closer.

"I can't believe you would go and do this behind my back!" Dr. West screamed at Dr. Mayfield, "You just ruined everything we worked to achieve in the past few weeks!"

"We were failing anyway," Dr. Mayfield replies, unfazed by her fury, "He still loves her. The hijacking isn't working. Besides the interview will help turn the tide in the war, unlike this."

Dr. West abruptly turns away from him and comes to stand in front of me. I desperately try to disappear into the chair, to escape her.

"Why do you still love Katniss?" she demands.

"I don't know," I whisper, heart racing, terror surging through my veins.

"Not good enough," she spits out and hits me. Hard. My ears start ringing and for a moment I see stars.

"Kathleen!" I dimly hear Dr. Mayfield say, sounding shocked.

"Shut-up!" Dr. West shouts at him and then turns back to me. She grabs my chin and forces me to look at her.

"Now answer me! Why do you still love Katniss?" She raises her hand again. I cringe helplessly against the back of the chair, unable to lift my hands to protect myself. This time she doesn't even wait for my answer and hits me again. She hits me twice more before Dr. Mayfield rushes over to stop her.

"Kathleen, you can't do this," he says, grabbing Dr. West's wrist, "Look, the project failed and you need to accept that." He motioned to the guards. "Take him back to his cell."

"Stop." Dr. West commands, yanking her arm out Dr. Mayfield's grasp, "I'm not finished yet," she hisses at him before stalking out of my line of sight.

Pain is unbearable. I can already feel my face swelling up. Dang, she can hit hard.

"Dr. West, what are you doing?" I hear Dr. Mayfield ask, sounding panicked.

"Shut-up," she tells him again, "Roll the tape," she says to someone else. The tv screen flicks to life, as Dr. West approaches me with a syringe full of the silver liquid. A lot of it. More than I've ever had injected in me before.

"Kathleen, stop this right now! You will kill him!" I distantly hear Dr. Mayfield shouting at the guards to stop her. Dr. West ignores them and looks directly at. Time seems to pause as everything narrows down to me and her. I stare into her bottomless black eyes, emotionless. She smiles and before I or anyone else can do something, she jabs the needle into my arm.

_Goodbye Katniss_, I whisper, _I love you_. It seems important, in my final moment, to say it out loud. I feel a brilliant pain throughout my body and then, chaos.


	6. Chapter 6

**Even though the fabulous M0CKINJAY, the glorious Half of Halves and the wonderful Clare all reviewed the last chapter I have decided to be inconceivably evil anyway. So warm up your evil cackle and prepare to enter the mind of the villainous Dr. West! Mawhahahaha!**

The Capitol is really a perfect place. A piece of heaven in Panem. As I stand at the window of my spacious apartment and look out over the already bustling city, I reflect that the Capitol must be the pinnacle of all civilizations. Which is why the rebels make no sense to me.

Why would you want to fight such a perfect system? Yes, it is a little unfair to the districts, but it's not as though they suffer too much. Just two children a year and it's not as if they don't deserve it. They brought it onto themselves by rebelling all those years ago. And now they are at it again.

I sigh and turn away from the wall length window. The people of the districts have always been uneducated and foolhardy. Not like the Capitol citizens who deserve the benefits of a perfect city.

I sigh again. It's all Katniss and Peeta's fault. If they hadn't pulled that stupid berry stunt, District 13 might not have ever made the first move in this game. No, they probably would have continued to stay hidden until some president decided to wipe them out for good. The districts would have never rebelled on their own. They are little more than unoriginal sheep, blindly following where ever the Capitol leads.

Now that 13 has their figure head, Katniss Everdeen, they think they are unstoppable. Tomorrow's little demonstration ought to prove to them otherwise.

I chuckle to myself as I walk into my bathroom and look in the mirror. My perfectly sculpted face stares back at me. My eyes are like a predator's. Black and bottomless. My face has been carved into sharp angles. I bare my lips to reveal my sharp fangs. Anyone looking at me would know immediately what I am. Dangerous.

I quickly put on a light layer of make-up and check the mirror one last time. Perfect. Just like the city I've tried so hard to maintain.

This morning's meeting is merely a summary meeting. I am the third person to arrive. President Snow and the Head Peacekeeper, Indigo Sky, are at one end of the table in the meeting room talking quietly. When I walk over they both look up. Sky just nods and looks back down at the papers covering the table.

"Good morning, Kathleen," Snow says, standing up, "Can I get you anything to drink? Coffee? Tea?"

"You know what I want," I say, choosing the seat next to his. I pull some of the papers towards me and quickly review them.

Snow gives me my drink, tea with two spoonful of sugar. Though we haven't been together in years we are still close. Well, as close as anyone can get to Snow.

A few minutes later Cardinal Pinhart and Oliver Mayfield walk in deep in conversation. Cardinal Pinhart is the president's PR person. He has red, oily, slicked back hair to match his oily personality. He is the one who is arranging this afternoon's interview with Peeta and Snow.

"Alright, let's get down to business." Pinhart starts off the meeting, "The afternoon's interview is going to go well so long as Peeta can pull off his part. Dr. Mayfield, do you think Peeta is ready?"

"I think he will do just fine," Oliver replies, "He seems to have recovered from last weeks…incident." He says with a glance at me.

Mayfield did not approve of me overdosing Peeta last week. Admittedly it was very dangerous and it might have killed him, but the hijacking was failing anyway so there was no point of trying not to kill him. Either way he was going to die. I fail to see why it matters how he died. And besides, it worked. Since the overdose, Peeta appears to completely hate Katniss and is also now on our side. I consider that a job well done.

"I need more than just 'recovered'" Pinhart says exasperatedly, "Can he handle the interview or not?"

"Yes, the hijacking has worked completely," Oliver replies, "In fact he believes Katniss is a mutt."

"Really?" Snow looks up from the papers he has been studying, "That's…fascinating."

"As you know, sir, that wasn't the original intent of the experiment," Oliver says nervously.

"Yes, I know that," Snow says shortly, "I think that this is a fantastic result though."

"Which is why I believe that we are ready to release Peeta to the rebels," I cut in, "I think he will do what we need of him."

Snows just nods, "Mayfield, what do you think?"

"I'm not entirely sure he is ready. He seems to fear Katniss more than murderously hate her," he replies.

"I think he is ready," I say, "Even if he is only afraid of her, he will probably try to kill her anyway."

"Self-preservation is a very strong instinct," Pinhart adds.

_You would know_, I think. Cardinal Pinhart's survival instinct is almost legendary. That is how he has managed to stay working for Snow since the beginning of his presidency.

"Kathleen, if you believe Peeta is ready, I'm inclined to go with your opinion on this." Snow says, ignoring Mayfield and Pinhart who are arguing about the strength of Peeta's survival instinct.

I smile at him, "Thank you." I say, "Dr. Mayfield will do a final check-up on him before the interview."

"Excellent," Snow says, returning my smile, "Peacekeeper Sky," he says, addressing her for the first time, "Is everything ready on your part?"

She looks at him, "Oh yes, the bombs are ready to be launched late tonight. I've checked them myself…_sir_." She adds the last part almost insolently.

Indigo Sky is from District 2. She is the first person from the districts to be promoted to such a high position. I have never trusted her. But then, you can never trust anyone from the districts. Sky is quiet and tends to stay in the background, always watching and listening, but never volunteering anything. She also has the annoying arrogance of the districts; they think _they_ are better than the Capitol citizens. How infuriating.

"Very well," Snow replies coldly, not missing her slight, "You can leave us now." He says, dismissing her with a wave of his hand.

Sky stands up stiffly, leaving with all the dignity of an offended cat. The rest of us watched her go with little sympathy. We were all tired of her poor manners and condescension. The only reason Snow had put up with her for so long was that she was an excellent strategist and there are too few in this war. Once the districts were subdued again, I'm sure Snow will be done with her.

"Well if that's all," Pinhart says, breaking the slight tension left from Sky, "Oliver and I have a few details to attend to with the interview, so if you will excuse us."

Snow waves them out and soon it's just me and him.

"So, Kathleen," Snow starts, "how long till we can hand Peeta back over to Katniss?"

"Soon," I reply, "Right after the interview, I think."

"But Mayfield doesn't feel the same?" Snow asks.

"No, he believes that Peeta fears and hates Katniss, but not enough to kill her if he has the chance." I say.

Snow tilts his head thoughtfully, "I guess we shall see, won't we? Good-day, Dr. West," Snows says, establishing the boundary between us once again.

"Good-bye," I reply, "I will be there for the interview."

* * *

"Today is an important day, Peeta," Dr. Mayfield tells me, "We need you to pull off this interview. If you do, the districts might stop rebelling long enough for us to gain some control. You want that don't you?" He says, talking down to me like I'm mentally incompetent.

"Yes, I do," I say tersely, carefully looking at my surroundings. Today's interview is in the Capitol somewhere, in front of a mansion. I have a feeling I've been here before, but I can't remember it. I and the crew are behind a barricade of sorts, which I don't like because I feel trapped. Trapped with Snow, who standing a few feet away talking to a man with oily red hair, and Dr. West, who is looking around at everything like a predator examining its prey. I mentally flinch at the sight of her.

"It's okay," the voice says soothingly, "She is on our side."

The voice has been speaking constantly to me now, but I don't mind that much. The only problem is that I sometimes catch myself answering it aloud, but I've been getting better at answering in my head.

"Peeta," Dr. Mayfield says hesitantly, "Are you okay?"

I look back at him. He is watching me strangely and that's when I realize I had been staring intently at the floor for several minutes.

"If you can't do this you need to tell me," he says.

"No, no! I can do this," I say desperately. While Dr. Mayfield may not do anything if I don't do the interview but Dr. West will be really angry with me.

"And it's always better not to anger Dr. West," the voice says.

"Yes that's for sure," I answer.

Within moments the cameras start rolling and Dr. Mayfield cues me to start speaking. I read off my carefully scripted lines, not really paying attention to what I'm saying, trying to squash down my torn feelings of helping Snow and the Capitol. I feel like I should be on the rebels side, but that's crazy because _Katniss_ is on their side. And Katniss is an evil mutt. Which makes no sense because only the Capitol makes mutts, so therefore Katniss must be on Snow's and Dr. West's side. Which means Katniss is on the Capitol side and is therefore on _my_ side as well. But that's impossible because Dr. West seems to delight in the fact I'm deathly afraid of Katniss. So is Katniss on the rebel's side or the Capitol's? And which side should I be on? I have a feeling that the rebels are my only hope to get away from Dr. West.

"I think you're over thinking this," the voice says in a bored tone, "Just do what Dr. West says and you'll be fine."

I ignore the voice and try to desperately get the idea that the rebels are good to fit with the idea that Katniss is evil. The two ideas refuse to fit together in my head.

Suddenly I hear gasps around me and I stop my half-hearted attempt at reciting my script. I look to where everyone is pointing and I see that Katniss herself is on the screen, standing in what looks like a pile of bricks.

Dr. Mayfield waves to get my attention and signals me to continue with my speech. All around me the people are in an uproar, trying to figure out what's going on. Snow is off to the side with Dr. West, both of them looking furious. I try to start speaking again but I look at the screen and see I've been replaced with Finnick Odair talking about something or someone. Chaos follows as the screen dissolves into short bursts of clips of what I can only assume are the rebels. I glance over at Snow, who is looking angrier by the second and, surprisingly, a little scared by what is happening.

That's when I realize that the rebels are winning. No matter what Dr. Mayfield and the others have been confidently telling me, the Capitol is losing and the rebels are winning. And I have to help them before it's too late.

"Now wait," the voice says, "Don't do this. The Capitol needs to win this war."

"Why?" I ask it, "Why do they need win? If they do everything will go back to how it was before. The Hunger Games will continue!"

"The Capitol will kill Katniss." the voice states simply.

That stops me for a minute. Katniss has to die, there is no doubt about it. She is evil and a mutt and a murderer. This brings back all my confusion from before. What side is Katniss on? Will Snow kill her or will she help the rebels kill Snow? I push aside all that and try to focus on one thing: Helping the rebels. I think back to my final check-up. It was supposed to be done by Dr. Mayfield but his assistants came in instead. While they took some of my blood and checked my pulse they talked to each other, thinking I was too drugged out to understand them. One of the things they talked about was…a bombing…tonight maybe?...on District 13.

The voice tries to say something but I ignore it. I only have a little bit of time to warn them before this failed interview is over. Already Snow is back on camera saying how the rebels are attempting to disrupt the dissemination of information they find incriminating, but both truth and justice will reign. He finishes by asking if I have any parting thoughts for Katniss. Dr. Mayfield has a scripted line for me but, with a large feeling of dejà-vu, I ignore it.

"Don't do this," the voice repeats.

"Katniss," I begin, forcing myself to spit out her name.

"Peeta," the voice says warningly, "How do you think this will end?"

I wildly try to press on, not sure which of us is speaking, "What will be left? No one is safe."

"If you keep this up Katniss lives and there is nowhere you will be able to hide," the voice says, continuing to speak, "Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts."

"And you…in Thirteen," I gasp out. Why is it so hard to speak?

The voice is shouting at me now, "If the bombings work Katniss will be DEAD BY MORNING!"

To the right I hear someone shout. I try to tell the voice that this is the right thing but I feel a blow to my head and I cry out in pain.

I hear the voice whisper, "Damn you Peeta." And then nothing.

* * *

"The bombs?" I ask.

"On route right now," Sky replies.

We are back in the meeting room, trying to figure out how things could have gone so desperately wrong.

"Good. At least we might be able to get a few of them," I say viciously, "Damn. How did he find out?" I ask no one in particular. How could Peeta know such vital information, especially when less than ten people know about the plans to bomb District 13.

"I think he might have over heard my nurses talking about it," Mayfield says hesitantly.

"And just how did they find out about the bombings?" Snow says in a dangerously soft voice.

"Well…I might have accidentally let it slip…" he says slowly.

"You've been slipping secrets in bed," Snow states.

Mayfield just nods, not meeting anyone eye's.

"Did it ever occur to you that they could be spies?" I ask furiously. I can't believe Mayfield would be so stupid.

"You know that District 13 has been slowly infiltrating us for years! In fact I'm almost positive your nurses are spies! The fact that you have been so idiotic…" I stop my tirade when Snow shoots me a look. I try to rein in my temper. How could he be so careless…

"Very well, Dr. Mayfield, you can leave," Snow says, his tone final.

Mayfield nods and leaves the room quickly. Neither Snow nor I watch him go. As far as we are concerned, Oliver Mayfield is already dead.

Sky, who sat quietly watching, speaks up, "So what do we do next?" she asks, "What will be the rebel's next move?"

"After the bombings are done 13 will probably try to launch a counter-attack at one of our more controlled districts, like 2 or 3," Snow says matter-of-factly, "though Katniss will be pushing for Peeta's rescue now."

"And if they make a rescue attempt?" Sky asks.

"We will let them succeed," I answer her.

"But you can't make it too easy for them," Snow says.

"Of course not. I think I will make it just hard enough," I say confidentially.

"Good, I know you've got this Kathleen. Now," Snow says, pushing back his chair, "I've got to meet with Pinhart to see if we can clean up this fiasco." Snow stands, up signaling the end of the meeting. I stand up as well.

"Wait," I say before Snow can leave, "What about Annie Cresta?"

"We can let them rescue her as well. She is useless to us," Snow answers.

"Great," I say, "I'm going to need her cell space for our new spies."

Snow just smiles, an evil thing, and walks out the door.

Well? Love? Hate? Review? Please?


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! I'm back! Sorry for the wait but I was tragically captured by pirates and only recently escaped. Now I know this chapter is short but I'm will be posting another one over the weekend. So sit back and enjoy!**

A bright light flashes in my eyes. And another one. I hear a voice gently saying my name. I don't recognize it. It's not _the_ voice, the one in my head. This one is outside me, sounding gentle and reassuring. I hear more people talking, saying my name, speaking to each other. I try to figure out what's going on. The last thing I remember was…

I am sitting in my cell. It's been several days since the interview. I have been left alone. No one has spoken to me, not even Dr. West. I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what. Suddenly sirens begin to off. I can hear people running down the hall outside the door. I stand up, wondering if I should be panicking right now. Before I can work out what's going on I hear a strange hissing noise and the air begins to feel heavy and sickly. My eyes start to close against my will and I feel myself hit the floor.

"Peeta? Can you hear me? Peeta, please wake up," the voice is insistent, but again, it's not the one I'm used to hearing.

An overwhelming curiosity floods me and I open my eyes to see who is speaking to me. I'm lying down on a bed and standing above me is a trio of doctors. Two of them are in a frenzy around me and the other is next to my bed, looking down at me happily.

"Welcome to District Thirteen, Peeta," the man says cheerfully.

"Um, what?" is all I can say.

"You've been rescued," he says, "Now you're in 13."

"Um?" I've been reduced to inarticulate sounds. This would be wonderful if it was true. Clearly I'm having an enormous mental breakdown. I have finally cracked…straight down the middle. All those weeks of mental torture, hearing the voice, and I have finally jumped off the deep end. It's kinda nice that my subconscious has gifted me with such a wonderful delusion. I watch my doctors flutter around my bed, content in the knowledge that none of this is real.

I look up from the doctors to _her _walking towards me. Katniss. The girl, who has caused every bit of pain, heart-ache, and confusion in my life. The girl, who is a Capitol mutt and yet works for the rebels. The girl, who tricked me into loving her, and then manipulated that love for her own gain. Katniss. The girl I still love…

I have to kill her.

I stand up quickly. Katniss smiles as she hurries towards me. Steady Peeta, I think to myself. My heart starts pounding wildly, terror surging through my veins. I watch as my hands reach up and wrap around her throat. Katniss' beautiful eyes open wide in surprise. I begin to squeeze tighter and tighter. Finally this will all be done with and I can go on with my life without fear. I am elated as I watch Katniss struggle for breath, the terror I know so well creeping onto her face. But just as I'm about to tighten my grip more, I feel a familiar pain to my head as my friend, the darkness, closes in on me.

When I wake up I look around to see I am lying on a bed in a room so similar to my cell in the Capitol that for a moment I wonder if I just dreamed of being rescued and attempting to kill Katniss. But when I sit up the sharp pain from the back of my head tells me that whatever just happened was very real. I try to sort through everything. Did I really get rescued or is this just a new game of Dr. West's? And if it is, what is she trying to gain? Or if I really was rescued, did I ruin everything by trying to kill Katniss? I wait expectantly for the voice to answer. Strangely, though, I hear nothing from it. I'm feeling more disturbed by the silence in my head till it hits me; I'm not supposed to have a voice in my head. Somehow I had forgotten that hearing nonexistent voices is a bad thing. What else had I forgotten?

I try to remember when I started thinking hearing the voice was okay, but I feel oddly loopy. What am I doing? Oh, right. I'm trying to figure out if I was rescued or not. But why would the rebels rescue me? I must be important if they would go through all that trouble. I had never been out-spoken against the Capitol so the rebels shouldn't have a reason to think I'm on their side. But if that's the case, why was Dr. West torturing me? I realize that I've gotten off topic once again. Why is it so hard to focus?

For the next hour I struggle to work through whether or not I've been rescued. After I get a massive headache, I give up and try to think of nothing. As I stare at the ceiling more questions and thoughts keep pestering me. Whenever I try to find the answer, other thoughts draw me away. I feel trapped in an endless circle of answerless questions. Frustrated tears begin falling out of my eyes and rolling into hair. What's wrong with me?

Suddenly I have a longing for an injection of the venom Dr. West gives me. I perversely crave the oblivion that the chaos of the venom brings. Now that I've thought about it, the venom begins to consume my thoughts, blocking out everything else. I'm practically giddy from the relief of the stress my thoughts brought me. Now all I have to do is wait for someone to bring me to Dr. West and the venom.

I wait for hours but no one comes. The only thing that happens is food is shoved into my room through a flap in the door. When I examine the food, I find that is just plain soup and a hunk of bread. I don't eat though, I'm too wound up to. I begin to pace back and forth, anxiety wrapping around me at the thought I won't have the venom soon. Where is everyone? Have I just been left in here and forgotten? I go to the door and bang on it till my hands begin to ache. No one answers. My mind begins to run wildly again. I begin to pace faster and faster, trying to outrace the confusion till I'm exhausted. I curl up on the bed, my face wet again from tears. Why won't anyone help me? I eventually fall asleep, feeling more alone than I ever have in my life.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello beloved fans! I'm sorry that this is taking so long but freshman year of college is kicking my butt! My advice: Don't go to college. Join to navy or something. At least you'll have a better chance of seeing a dingo. Anyway, I'm aiming to post the next chapter in the 2****nd**** week of December, after finals. Happy Thanksgiving!**

I'm lying down, strapped to a bed. This would be frustrating if I wasn't so use to it. The room I'm in now has a mirror on side but is otherwise bare. It's been a few days since I saw Katniss and, well, tried to kill her. Everyday I've been visited by doctors who try to assure me that everything is fine and that I am completely safe. They are lying to me obviously. I will never be safe until Katniss is dead. I wonder if Katniss is telling them to lie to me.

I'm still wondering how much control Katniss has over the rebels when the door opens. I panic slightly since I'm tied down and have no way to defend myself against whoever is coming in. The panic ebbs when I see that the girl coming is not Katniss or Dr. West. Instead she is…vaguely familiar. She has blonde hair that is braided back and is wearing the same gray clothes that all my doctors wear.

She slowly crosses the room, her face breaking into a smile when she gets closer. It's the smile that really confuses me. Why would she be happy to see me? It's not a smile that says she's about to do something evil to me though. It's like we've been apart for a while and now she is glad we are back together.

_Do I know this girl?_, I think, half expecting a reply. But the voice has been strangely silent the past few days. I've actually been a little worried about it.

"Peeta?" the girl says hesitantly, "It's Delly. From home."

Memories begin to flood in. "Delly?" I say. How could I have forgotten her? She is practically my sister. I look over her familiar face, which looks worn and thin, like she's been under a lot of strain.

"Delly," I say again, "It's you."

"Yes," Delly says, sounding relieved, "How do you feel?"  
"Awful," I tell her honestly, "Where are we? What's happened?"

I'm excited that I have finally found someone I can trust. Maybe I can get some honest answers about what's going on.

"Well," Delly says, "We're in District 13. We live here now."

Interesting. So I was actually rescued and the doctors weren't lying to me. I should be relieved but instead something else is bothering me…

"That's what those people have been saying. But it makes no sense," I say, "Why aren't we home?"

Delly bites her lip. I remember she does that when she gets nervous. "There was an accident. I miss home badly, too. I was only just thinking about those chalk drawings we used to do on the paving stones. Yours were so wonderful. Remember when you made each one a different animal?" Delly's rambling now. Something bad has happened to 12.

"Yeah. Pigs and cats and things," I answer her distractedly, "You said…about an accident?" Something stirs in my memory. Dr. West telling me something…

"It was bad. No one could stay." She says. She is trying to hide something from me. Delly was never any good at keeping secrets. Seriously, how had I forgotten her?

"But I know you're going to like it here, Peeta," Says Delly, avoiding my question, "The people have been really nice to us. There's always food and clean clothes, and school's much more interesting."

I remember being in a room with Dr. West, the sun just beginning to rise. This memory is unusually clear, not like my other memories of Katniss.

"Why haven't my family come to see me?" I ask, suddenly anxious to put off whatever bad news Delly came to tell me.

"They can't." Delly is starting to cry. "A lot of people didn't get out of Twelve. So we'll need to make a new life here. I'm sure they could use a good baker. Do you remember when your father used to let us make dough girls and boys?" She is rambling again.

Suddenly the memory that has been eluding me jumps to the front of my mind. I'm in my old rooms at the training center, agreeing to call for a cease-fire. Then Dr. West tells me…And it's gone again.

"There was a fire," I remember that much at least.

"Yes," Delly whispers.

"Twelve burned down, didn't it? Because of her," Suddenly everything is clear to me. "Because of Katniss!" I yell.

"Oh, no, Peeta. It wasn't her fault," says Delly, looking at me anxiously. Crap, Katniss has gotten to her too.

"Did she tell you that?" I ask. Behind Delly the door opens and she begins to back up towards it.

"She didn't have to. I was-" Delly says.

"Because she's lying! She's a liar!" I interrupt. I have to make Delly see the truth. "You can't believe anything she says! She's some kind of mutt the Capitol created to use against the rest of us!" The entire time I'm speaking Delly is slowly backing up towards the door.

"No, Peeta," Delly starts again, She's not a-"

"Don't trust her, Delly," I interrupt again, "I did, and she tried to kill me. She killed my friends. My family. Don't even go near her! She's a mutt!"

Before I can say anything else a hand reaches from the door and pulls Delly out. The door slams shut behind her.

"A mutt!" I continue to yell, "She's a stinking mutt!" Why won't anyone believe me? I hate Katniss. She has destroyed everything I ever held dear. My home. My family. And now she has turned my friends against me. Will she ever stop? Well she will when I kill her, I reassure myself. I continue to yell fruitlessly until someone comes in and shoots something into me. My last thought is that I have got to stop getting knocked out.


	9. Chapter 9

`The next week passes by excruciatingly slow. Doctors talk to me and try to convince me that Katniss is not a mutt and I have been "hijacked" by the Capitol. All lies.

No one believes me when I say that Katniss is secretly working for the Capitol. All of our sessions usually end with me yelling at the doctors and then having a knock-out drug injected into me. Also, the doctors never let me go unrestrained. They act like I'm the dangerous one; the mutt. I hate them. I hate everyone. I hate this place. I wish everything could go back to the way it was. Except, I don't remember what my life was like before the Hunger Games.

Today is different. I can tell because I have been given extra restraints. Fortunately I am not kept in suspense long. One of my doctors, whose name I don't remember, comes in.

"Good morning. How are you today?" He asks, coming over to my bed.

I don't reply to him. He is one of the head doctors, who is always reassuring me that "I'm perfectly safe" and "No one is going to hurt me." I am so tired of him.

"We have someone who would like to see you today, Peeta." Dr. Safe says, speaking to me like I am a child. He looks at me, wanting a response to this momentous news so I just nod. Delly is the only one who has been visiting me, besides the doctors. Our meetings have ended with me yelling at her every time. I feel bad about it later, but I have to make her realize how dangerous Katniss is before it's too late.

"Would you like to know who is coming?" the doctor asks.

I shrug or at least I try to. It's hard to move with so many restraints on.

"Okay, well I'll just go get her then," he says, going to the door. Hmm, maybe it's Delly again.

When the doctor returns he is with a girl I recognize immediately. It's Prim, Katniss' little sister.

I always liked Prim. She is the exact opposite of her sister. She is sweet, friendly and easy to get along with. She also used to help me out in a way she knew nothing about. Before the Games, while I worked at my parent's bakery, whenever they were in town Prim would drag Katniss over to look at the cakes in the front window and I would get a glimpse at the beautiful girl I adored. I used to work extra hard on the cakes, in the hopes that Katniss would see and admire them. She never appeared to but her sister certainly did. And I, like any artist, loved anyone who praised my work. I glance over at Prim, who looks nothing like her sister. She seems to be nervous but also, determined.

"Hi, Peeta. Do you remember me?" She asks, seeming unsure about the answer. She looks tired, exhausted even. The past year has taken a lot out of her.

"Of course I do, Prim," I tell her. She smiles at me.

"Good," she says, "Um, did the doctor say why I was here?"

"No," I'm beginning to think that this isn't a social visit.

"Well the doctors have told you about how you were hijacked, right?" She asks it in a rush, looking at me intensely the entire time.

"Well, they uh said something about it, but…"

Prim interrupts me, "But they didn't tell you the specifics right? Just that the Capitol did something to your mind?"

"Um, yeah," The doctors have just delicately skirted telling me what "hijacking" is. Whenever the subject comes up, they act like just mentioning it could set me off. Though a lot does send me into a rage when it comes to the doctors, this "hijacking" just makes me curious.

"Well I would like to tell you what it is, if that's okay with you." Again, Prim looks intensely at me, trying to read my reaction. She looks nervous again, as well.

"Please, tell me,"

Prim looks over at the doctor, who has been quietly standing off to the side, and then back at me. She takes a deep breath and begins, "Do you remember being stung by the tracker-jackers in your first hunger games? What it was like?"

"It was crazy," I whisper, memories flooding in. Heart racing, terror surging through my veins, not knowing what was going on, who to trust, everything shining in a silver light. Sort of how I feel now…Then bam! It hits me.

"Are you saying that I was injected with tracker-jacker venom!" I blurt out.

"Yes, Peeta, that's we think," Prim confirms, "We also thing that while you had the venom in your system you were shown images of Katniss to make them terrifying."

"Wait. You're saying that the Capitol messed with my mind!" I ask, stunned.

"I know it's hard to believe, but we think we can undo the damage…"

"Damage?" I interrupt, "Like my mind is broken?" I say softly.

Prim looks frightened. "No that not what I meant," she whispers. She looks over her shoulder, assuring herself she's not alone.

"Then explain what you meant…please," I spit out through gritted teeth.

"It's just that we think you have been tricked and tortured into thinking Katniss is evil." Prim says.

"If anyone is trying to trick me it's you," I tell her, "Katniss probably told you to say all this! Katniss is the evil one and so are you!" I yell at her. I begin to struggle wildly against my restraints.

"Peeta, please don't do this," Prim begs, "Just listen to me for a moment."

"Of course you would side with her," I snarl, "Let me tell you something though. If it came down between you and Katniss, Katniss would choose herself every time."

"Peeta, that is not true and you know it!" Prim says so sharply I flinch. I look at her and see tears falling down her face. She wipes them away angrily.

"I am so sorry, Prim," I say, "Please help me, Prim, I'm so lost." Tears start running down my face as well.

"I'm going to do the best I can," she says, putting her hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

A few minutes later I am in front of a screen and about to be injected with morphling. I'm barely holding back panic because this is so much like my time with Dr. West. Prim puts her hand back on my shoulder as all the doctors rush around me. One of the doctors comes over with a syringe.

"It's just morphling,"Prim whispers reassuringly to me. I take a deep breath and nod to the doctor, who promptly injects me with the drug. The effect is almost instant. I calm down and begin to breathe easier.

"We are going to show you a video from your first Hunger Games," Prim tells me, "It's from when you and Katniss were in the cave together."

The cave. The place where I had my first joyous experience of kissing Katniss. That was also the place where Katniss tricked me into thinking she loved me back. Surprisingly these thoughts don't fill me will anger like normal. It must be the drugs.

"Are you ready?" I nod and the screen begins to show Katniss and me.

The screen shuts off. I hear Prim saying something but I don't respond. Finally I'm taken back to my room to be left alone with me thoughts. I lay back on the bed and for once visions of nightmares and fear don't consume me. Instead I'm just confused. Did I just get a glimpse of the real Katniss? She seemed so…nice. Like someone I could fall in love with. I ponder this for a while until someone quietly enters my room.

It's Prim. I sit up, expecting someone else to come in and put restraints on me but no one does. Instead Prim walks over and sits on the bed next to me. I tense-up but only for a second. This is the most alone I've with someone without being tied up in a while.

"So, what did you think?" she asks, not looking at me.

What did I think? Even after hours I still have no idea what to make of it. I don't tell her this though. Instead I just ask her one thing.

"What happened to the goat?" Prim smiles, like I knew she would.

"Lady became my confidante," she replies, "I use to tell her everything. Which boys I liked, how school was…She would just watch me as I poured my heart out and I could imagine she understood me." Prim sighed. Neither of us says anything and then Prim slowly takes my hand. We sat like that for a while, holding hands in the companionable silence of two people who have been very lonely.

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**Review? Pretty please?**


	10. Chapter 10

Hey guys I'm back! Just a reminder that I do not own the characters or the story. More AN at the end of the chapter.

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Over the next few days I'm left mostly alone. Delly visits me occasionally. We talk about everything and nothing. We stray away from talking about the Hunger Games or anything that came after. This is fine with me because those memories just bring headaches and anger. Old memories are better. Safer. So Delly and I reminisce. We laugh at the mischief we used to get into. When was the last time I laughed? We smile fondly as we remember our old friends and the childish fun we had with them. Neither of us mentions that they are all dead now.

With Prim, our conversations are the opposite. We talk about the war, the Districts' most recent victories, and the Capitol's most recent atrocities. But mainly we talk about Katniss. For every accusation I throw out about Katniss Prim gives me facts, stories, and video clips. We argue until I feel myself lose control. I scream and pace, my voice becoming hoarse, until I'm threatened to be tied up again.

But Prim never yells back, never gets upset, and never flinches away when I get right into her face. She faces me down calmly and firmly. She shows me patience when I show her anger. Prim shows me love when I let every hateful thing I've ever thought spew out of my mouth.

She is no longer the scared little girl who was set to be reaped over a year ago. That girl was forced to grow up too fast and become this determined, brave, young woman. And one day it hits me. Katniss. Katniss taught her to be braved, and showed her how to never give up on the ones you love, no matter what the cost. I couldn't stop the feelings of shame welling up inside. I had done nothing in the past month to deserve Prim's love and devotion. I tried to squash down these feelings because as suddenly as they hit me I realized something else. Katniss' devotion was one the reasons I fell in love with her.

It's Prim who tells me about the wedding. It's for Finnick and Annie Cresta. Annie was rescued along with me and Johanna. I admit, when Prim first told me I was jealous. It's not fair that someone else gets to be in love and happy. And then I remember Finnick after he heard the jabberjays in the arena. Another unaffected memory. I also think back to seeing Annie on the reaping, screaming and crying at the thought of going back into the arena. I decide to try to be happy for them. Then Prim ask me if I want to make a wedding cake for them and I'm ecstatic.

The kitchen in District 13 is large. Four times as large as my parent's bakery. Greasy Sae is there and she informs me that all the food in the district is cooked here.

Thanks to the large size I have enough room to be left alone my own corner. Everyone avoids me and I ignore them as well. In the Capitol, and in the other districts, people flocked towards me. Here, it seems, they are wary of me. My constant guards also keep people away.

Expect for Greasy Sae. She comes over occasionally, when she isn't busy cooking, and talks to me while I work. It's mostly just small talk and I suspect Prim and Delly put her up to it but it's nice.

Baking again is wonderful. It has a very calming effect on me and it gives my hands something to do while I think. It's easier to focus on the cake than it is to sort out my mind but I force myself to work through my thoughts. Eventually I give myself a headache and just focus on the cake.

It takes several days and a lot of headaches to finish to cake. It turns out beautifully though. Greasy Sae gasps in admiration when she sees it. The cake is definitely my best work yet. I'm painfully reminded of my father when I finish it. He was a true artist and he instilled in me deep appreciation for beauty. I think with this cake I've finally mastered everything he taught me about art. I've also come to a decision. I want to see Katniss.

Then late after the wedding, which I had been told by my guards was a hit, she comes to see me.

I've been put in extra restraints again and a knock-out drug is ready to be dispensed the moment I lose control. But I won't. This is too important.

Katniss walks in slowly until is a yard from my bed, her arms wrapped protectively around her. As though she is afraid of _me_.

"Hey," she says. Her voice is like I remember only laced with nerves.

"Hey," I respond. I'm not giving her anything.

A brief pause, and she shuffles from foot to foot. "Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Look at you for starters." And I do. Her hair is in its usual plain braid. Looking at it I recall another braid she use to wear. The braid that her mother did for her on the fateful reaping day. Katniss looked beautiful that day. But the simple braid suits her better.

My staring is starting make Katniss uncomfortable. She keeps glancing at the one-way-glass where I'm sure Haymitch is watching this little drama unfold. I can just barely make out an earpiece in Katniss' right ear. Haymitch is probably feeding her lines. I reflect bitterly that Katniss has always been the one he helped first. "You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?" The words are out of my mouth before I realize it,

Before I can say anything else, I see a flash of anger in her eyes. "Well you've looked better."

I can't help it. I laugh. "And not even remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through."

"Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me." I've hurt her. Katniss is use to people fawning over her. But I still feel bad for upsetting her. What's wrong with me? I don't like her and shouldn't care if her precious feelings are hurt.

"Look, I don't feel well," Katniss says as she heads to the door. "Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow."

No! She can't leave yet. I'm not ready yet. I have to keep her here, talking to me, for just a little bit longer. I don't know when this conversation became so important.

"Katniss." Her name burns a little. "I remember the bread."

She stops. She knows exactly what I'm referring to. The bread. The first time I ever had a glimmer of hope that I had a chance at winning Katniss' heart. One of my few memories left that I know is absolutely real.

"They should you the tape of me talking," she looks at me carefully.

"No. Is there a tape of you talking to about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" I ask. I'm a little surprised that she would even talk about that on tape. Katniss has never been one to share what she was feeling, especially when it comes to something so personal and intense as that day.

"I made it the day you were rescued," she says, "So what do you remember?"

Haymitch had explained my rescue to me. He said that Finnick had made some tapes to distract the Capitol with but he never mentioned Katniss' involvement. Probably because I would have gone off on him. Katniss actually opened for the Capitol and it was for me. To save me. A dull ache starts up in my chest.

My voice is soft when I answer. "You. In the rain. Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pigs but then giving it to you instead." Watching her watch me warily. Noticing how thin and exhausted she was. Going in and hoping desperately that she would understand that the bread was for her. Praying that the next day I would finally be able to talk to her.

"That's it. That's all that happened," she says, "The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how."

"We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then…for some reason, I think you looked at a dandelion." Katniss nods. It feels strange to finally talk about this after all these years. "I must have loved you a lot."

"You did," Her voice breaks a little.

Now I ask the big question. "And did you love me?"

Katniss avoids my gaze as she answers. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."

She doesn't look broken. She looks strong and closed off. Untouchable. She was the one Snow wanted to take down and yet I'm the one strapped down with a head full of false memories. But Katniss has never let love break her. Losing her father proved that. She still evaded the question though.

"That's not an answer," I say accusingly, "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you were trying to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill all of you," she states bluntly, "You had me treed."

That part is true. At the time I was faking being allies with the careers. She didn't know it was just a ruse. It seems strange now that she didn't know how much I loved her. Back then it felt like my every action, every breath, was a shout of my undying love.

"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" I mostly ask just to confront her, but a part of me is sickeningly desperate for her answer.

"Sometimes," she admits. She pauses and for a second I think she is about to confess to more than just liking them. Then she continues, "Do you know people are watching us?" Katniss hates having an audience. I don't care about them. I need more answers.

"I know. What about Gale?" This question makes her angry.

Katniss glances briefly at the one-way glass. "He's not a bad kisser either," she says roughly.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" I ask.

"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking you permission," she states.

I laugh. How could I have loved someone this self-centered?

"Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?" And Katniss is done with me. She leaves without saying another word.

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Okay so I'm basically getting over the three worst years of my life and I'm ready to finish this story. Unfortunately though I'm shipping of to Basic Training in a week so don't expect anymore updates till April. I know, I suck, but I plan on finishing this by the end of summer!


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